We view life through our own unique experiences of it. In this way we create our own individual perspectives, viewpoints and biases.
My approach to challenging Criticism and judgements, both in ourselves and others, is to use Curiosity and Compassion rather than Criticism. Getting to know our inner critic and our inner judge can be a huge step towards this. To do this, we need to first increase our awareness and notice when we are being critical or judgemental and what has triggered this within us.
If we can see something we can choose to change it.
Being a ‘Good Person’ with the ‘Right’ values, rules and beliefs is usually where we start from when criticism and judgements are concerned. When others aren’t in line with our belief system, we have a tendency to see them as something other to ourselves and we use our perspective, experiences and viewpoint as a marker to view them from, often using words such as – Good/Bad and Right/Wrong. These words are judgement words. Noticing the vocabulary we use can be a clear indicator of when judgement and criticism are around.
When we notice this use of vocabulary, either from others or inside of ourselves, it can be useful to remember that it is often an ‘And/And’ situation rather than ‘Either/Or’. Rarely is a situation just one dimensional, there are usually many perspectives and viewpoints to have on it.
Our judgements say way more about us than they do about the person we are judging and can lead to a powerful sense of isolation and loneliness as we ‘other’ and separate ourself from them. Remembering that we are ‘All the same and different’ can be a useful way of halting criticism and encouraging curiosity. (Notice the use of ‘And’ in that sentence rather than ‘But’. ‘And’ creates an inclusive viewpoint, it’s both – ‘But’ separates it out, negating ‘the same’ and focusing on ‘the difference’).
Criticising is linked with ego-protection, which means that people criticise others because of a perceived personal lack, defect or weakness. We might criticise someone’s house because of our own exaggerated concerns and worries about our own feelings about being successful. Or we might criticise someone’s appearance because of our own insecurities about how we look.
Criticism can be a useful tool when it is used in a healthy way. Unfortunately, many people struggle to separate negative criticism from helpful, constructive criticism. Negative criticism is a toxic behaviour because it interferes with building and maintaining healthy relationships with other people – as well as with ourselves.
Few people want to be criticised, even if they ask for it, there’s a difference between casting judgement and using criticism as feedback.
Being critical of others paints us in an unflattering light. People will see us as a complainer and someone to be avoided, especially when they have good news or feel happy about something. No one wants a perpetual cloud threatening their sunny day. Being an unwanted critic is a sure fire way to find yourself alone or surrounded by other negative, judgmental people. And that’s not a happy or healthy way to live.
What can we do to stop being critical of others?
1. Notice when we are projecting onto another person.
The judgments that we cast on others are often a reflection of what we have inside of us. Being critical of others often stems from our own sadness, anger, jealousy, or other difficult emotions.
Maybe someone acts in an irresponsible way by over-indulging in food, alcohol, or risky behaviour. We may be critical of them even though we sometimes act in a similar way. It might be that we don’t want to face up to our own irresponsibility, so we turn a blind eye to it and criticise the other person instead. Or perhaps we are critical of someone who we deem to be playing it safe, lacking ambition, not stepping out of their comfort zone, when these are all labels that we unconsciously apply to ourselves but don’t want to admit to.
When we feel the urge to criticise someone, pause for a moment and ask ourselves whether the thing we are about to criticise is something that we are projecting onto them, rather than the reality of the situation.
2. Understand that we don’t know how someone thinks or feels.
It’s so easy to look at another person and make snap judgments about their looks, weight, actions, dress sense, personality, or whatever else. The problem with those snap judgments is that they often come from our own restricted perception of that person.
In truth, we don’t know why that person is the way they are. If we are critical of them based on our limited or imagined perspective, we are causing problems for ourselves that need not exist.
For example, a person with depression may look at someone smiling and laughing and feel anger or resentment. What do they have to be so happy about? Don’t they know how hard life is? How bad things are for a lot of people? How bad are things for someone like me? The problem with that kind of criticism is that it assumes that the smiling person is happy, carefree, and without problems, which can be so very far from the truth.
Many people put on a smile and get on with their day because that’s just how they cope and survive. Maybe they’re coping with a severe loss that you don’t about. Maybe they feel they’re dying or dead inside from the trauma and pain that life has loaded onto their shoulders. Maybe they’re depressed and heartbroken too and perhaps put on a smile so that other people don’t ask too many questions.
Or perhaps a friend begins to show less commitment to a friendship and regularly fails to reply to messages promptly or says no to meeting up. It’s easy to think or say that this person is a bad friend or that they’re lazy and boring.
In fact, that friend might be going through something in their life that prevents them from giving as much of their free time and energy to the friendship, even one that is relatively close – family issues, poor health, or financial/work stresses can all take their toll. But if they don’t feel comfortable talking about these things, it’s easy for us to make up a narrative to explain things.
So, to stop being critical of others, let’s not assume we know what’s going on in the lives and minds of others – and let’s not make up narratives and stories about them.
3. Negative criticism is not helpful.
Many people who are too critical or judgmental don’t even realise that’s what they’re doing. They often feel like they are trying to be helpful and motivate others with their criticism.
The problem with this is that, generally, people really don’t want uninvited opinions and unsolicited advice. This type of advice is often either ignored or could be met with defensiveness. Why would they engage with us about it if we clearly don’t understand what the problem is?
For some people, being outspoken and speaking their mind is a valuable quality and often a quality that they would like others to have. However, this doesn’t work for everyone. Criticism does not get people motivated, it generally does the opposite. Let’s not make the mistake of confusing criticism with trying to help. Instead of being critical, try asking, “How can I help you?” That opens the door for the person to ask for advice or help if they need it or turn it down and work it out for themselves.
A general rule for life is not to give advice and opinions unless we’re asked for them. And even then, it may not be a good idea. Besides, our advice may not turn out as hoped which could mean we’ll be in the firing line to be blamed when it goes wrong.
4. Recognise our jealousies and insecurities
Sometimes we are critical of others because we are jealous of them and feel insecure about aspects of ourselves or our lives.
Maybe our life has been a bit tough lately and money’s been tight. So when a friend buys a new car, it can trigger a series of negative thoughts about them – that they are undeserving, showing off or squandering their money. This could very easily lead to spiteful, backhanded comments when our friend is just trying to enjoy their new car.
Or perhaps a co-worker gets a promotion over us and we respond by highlighting all of their flaws to demonstrate how our superiors made a mistake. Only, the decision has already been made and all our criticism serves to do is make our working relationship with that person awkward or hostile.
So, to be less critical of others, examine each criticism closely for signs of jealousy or insecurity. This way, we’ll know that our criticism is unfounded and may be best for us to hold back our comments.
5. Accept ourselves and our shortcomings.
Some negative criticism of others comes from unhappiness with ourselves. Defusing negativity and practicing compassion and acceptance towards ourselves is a reliable way to stop the negative narratives our minds create about other people.
By practicing kindness and understanding with ourselves and our shortcomings, we can more easily extend that same consideration to others. After all, no one is perfect. If we were to be critical of every little flaw a person has, it would destroy every relationship we have.
It can be helpful to remind ourselves that we are all flawed and we do things that, if they were done by another person, we would probably be critical of.
Remembering that we are ALL ‘Perfectly Imperfect’ can help with criticism and judgements of ourselves and others.
If we can accept that we do these things and that it’s not always easy to avoid doing them – either through habit or because we’re perfectly imperfect beings – we will have more patience with others and a greater tolerance of them, who they are, and what they do.
6. Assume that others are doing the best that they can.
There is a principle in mental health care called “Trauma Informed Care” where the assumption is that people generally aren’t working to fail or do bad things. Instead, they are doing what makes sense to them from the perspective of their life experiences, social experiences, mental health, and abilities.
It’s to look at what a person is doing and act from the perspective that even if they are doing the ‘wrong’ thing or making ‘bad’ decisions, they do not do it to be malicious. They’re doing it for reasons that may not be entirely clear or understandable.
And because of that, our actions toward these people need to come with compassion and sensitivity.
People generally don’t set out to fail. They generally don’t set out to not live up to their own expectations, mess up their lives, or do hurtful things.
For sure, there are malicious people in the world yet most people in the world aren’t malicious, even if they’re doing things that may harm us.
The word “trauma” carries with it a lot of stigma and negative perceptions. Some people think it only applies to horrific circumstances. The fact is that everyday experiences can leave a profound, lasting impact on people.
A bad breakup can be enough to keep someone from wanting to show vulnerability to a new partner. Losing a job brings the worry of paying bills, taking care of family, losing a home and affording food. Loss and death are always hard and are something we all face, sooner or later.
Trauma-informed care can teach us a lot about how to avoid judgment and stop being critical of others.
If we act with the assumption that other people are doing the best that they can with the hand they were dealt with, we won’t feel it necessary to pass judgment on their lives.
We make decisions and choices given the knowledge and experience we have at that time.
Remembering this helps us to be more forgiving towards others foibles and flaws and, of course, our own. Certainly, we can’t be a doormat to someone who is acting in an abusive or toxic way and just let them walk all over us – we can avoid letting that negativity fester and occupy our mind, eventually building into resentment.
All we can ever control are our own actions. Letting go of that judgment and criticism of others is a liberating feeling that can help us be warmer, more compassionate people for everyone – including ourselves.
The following is an essay written by Christopher John Lindsay
Three Traits of Judgemental People
Judgmental people have three common traits: They are overly critical, they show no respect for the person they are critical of, and they justify what they say because they believe it is true.
A judgmental person is like a porcupine. Get too close, and you could get hurt. Judgmental people have three common traits: They are overly critical, they show no respect for the person they criticise, and they justify what they say because they believe it is the truth. People can become judgmental due to their pride, their hurt and anger at being wronged, and a lack of love for others. Three ways to overcome being judgmental include self- reflection, forgiveness, and seeing the whole person.
The word judgemental is defined as “having or displaying an excessively critical point of view.” The first trait of a judgmental person is they criticise too much.
No one can handle being criticised all the time. It puts a strain on a relationship because the person being criticised feels unloved. Further, when someone is too critical, it is human nature not to like them. A judgmental person repels others and will have a hard time forming long-term relationships.
Judgmental people repel people not only because of their words, but also their tone. They will speak to (or about) a person with hatred, contempt, or disrespect. Instead of speaking calmly and rationally, they can be highly emotional—hurling insults, or using profanity.
A judgmental person will often justify the things they say because they believe it is the truth. However, the truth should not be used as a weapon to hurt someone, or to destroy their self- worth.
Every human being has worth and value because they are a human being, not because they are good or bad, a success or a failure. A judgmental person often bases an individual’s worth on their character traits, or some other criteria. They are unable to separate a person from their actions.
Judgmental people often believe they are superior to the person they are criticising. In looking down on others, the judgmental person has an ego problem: a heart filled with pride.
In addition to pride, a person can become judgmental when they are angry at being wronged. Hurt and wounded inside, their heart can grow cold, and they harshly judge the person who mistreated them.
Whatever the root cause, a judgmental person has a heart that lacks love for other people. The danger in being judgmental is that once you feel hatred, contempt, or disrespect for one human being, it becomes easier to transfer these feelings to another.
One way to stop being judgmental is through self-reflection, by recognising that everyone has faults. The more a person self-reflects, and realises their own shortcomings, the easier it is to love and accept people as they are.
Another way to stop being judgmental is to forgive the person who wronged us. Forgiveness doesn’t change what the person has done, but it will set us free inside, so we can let go of being hurt, angry, and offended.
A third way to stop being judgmental is to open our eyes and see the whole person. A judgmental person will often hyper-focus on someone’s negative traits, making them blind to their positive qualities. If we can see the whole person, it is much easier to love them.
Instead of being judgmental, we should be selective in our criticism. When a person does something wrong, sometimes it is better to say nothing, to overlook people’s minor flaws and shortcomings. The more you criticise, the more you will be criticised, and the less likely people will listen to you.
However, there are times when we have a duty to speak. For instance, if a person is hurting us (or someone else), it is right and just to speak the truth to make them stop. In some instances, we may have to be bold and direct. But before we correct someone, we should show them love and respect. When a person feels loved and respected, they are more likely to listen to us when we tell them the truth.
Comment / Post Script:
I read a book recently by William Gentry called “Be the Boss Everyone Wants to Work for: A guide for new leaders” and he makes the simple but profoundly true observation:
“…strive to give five positive pieces of feedback over a period of time before you must deliver a negative one.”
He bases this suggestion on research done by relationship experts John and Julie Gotterman in their work investigating successful marriages vs. those ending in divorce. according to the research- the ratio of positive to negative interactions for successful/married couples is typically around 5:1, whereas, unstable marriages show a ratio of 0.8:1.
In his book he also points to research showing how non-verbal communication (facial expression, tone, body gesture and proximity, eye contact, etc..) makes up anywhere between 65%-93% “..of the total emotional interaction between two people.”
I often recognise someone who is judgemental by their level of empathy of others. The “my way is the right way” attitude is overwhelming and is irrelevant because no two people are exactly the same, therefore their choices and opinions will differ. If the society as a whole would just open their minds and understand we are all different, there would be a lot less resistance to new ideas.
