We view life through our own unique experiences of it. In this way we create our own individual perspectives, viewpoints and biases.

My approach to challenging Criticism and judgements, both in ourselves and others, is to use Curiosity and Compassion rather than Criticism. Getting to know our inner critic and our inner judge can be a huge step towards this. To do this, we need to first increase our awareness and notice when we are being critical or judgemental and what has triggered this within us.

If we can see something we can choose to change it.

Being a ‘Good Person’ with the ‘Right’ values, rules and beliefs is usually where we start from when criticism and judgements are concerned. When others aren’t in line with our belief system, we have a tendency to see them as something other to ourselves and we use our perspective, experiences and viewpoint as a marker to view them from, often using words such as – Good/Bad and Right/Wrong. These words are judgement words. Noticing the vocabulary we use can be a clear indicator of when judgement and criticism are around.

When we notice this use of vocabulary, either from others or inside of ourselves, it can be useful to remember that it is often an ‘And/And’ situation rather than ‘Either/Or’. Rarely is a situation just one dimensional, there are usually many perspectives and viewpoints to have on it.

Our judgements say way more about us than they do about the person we are judging and can lead to a powerful sense of isolation and loneliness as we ‘other’ and separate ourself from them. Remembering that we are ‘All the same and different’ can be a useful way of halting criticism and encouraging curiosity. (Notice the use of ‘And’ in that sentence rather than ‘But’. ‘And’ creates an inclusive viewpoint, it’s both – ‘But’ separates it out, negating ‘the same’ and focusing on ‘the difference’).

Criticising is linked with ego-protection, which means that people criticise others because of a perceived personal lack, defect or weakness. We might criticise someone’s house because of our own exaggerated concerns and worries about our own feelings about being successful. Or we might criticise someone’s appearance because of our own insecurities about how we look.

Criticism can be a useful tool when it is used in a healthy way. Unfortunately, many people struggle to separate negative criticism from helpful, constructive criticism. Negative criticism is a toxic behaviour because it interferes with building and maintaining healthy relationships with other people – as well as with ourselves.

Few people want to be criticised, even if they ask for it, there’s a difference between casting judgement and using criticism as feedback.

Being critical of others paints us in an unflattering light. People will see us as a complainer and someone to be avoided, especially when they have good news or feel happy about something. No one wants a perpetual cloud threatening their sunny day. Being an unwanted critic is a sure fire way to find yourself alone or surrounded by other negative, judgmental people. And that’s not a happy or healthy way to live.

What can we do to stop being critical of others?

1. Notice when we are projecting onto another person.

The judgments that we cast on others are often a reflection of what we have inside of us. Being critical of others often stems from our own sadness, anger, jealousy, or other difficult emotions.

Maybe someone acts in an irresponsible way by over-indulging in food, alcohol, or risky behaviour. We may be critical of them even though we sometimes act in a similar way. It might be that we don’t want to face up to our own irresponsibility, so we turn a blind eye to it and criticise the other person instead. Or perhaps we are critical of someone who we deem to be playing it safe, lacking ambition, not stepping out of their comfort zone, when these are all labels that we unconsciously apply to ourselves but don’t want to admit to.

When we feel the urge to criticise someone, pause for a moment and ask ourselves whether the thing we are about to criticise is something that we are projecting onto them, rather than the reality of the situation.

2. Understand that we don’t know how someone thinks or feels.

It’s so easy to look at another person and make snap judgments about their looks, weight, actions, dress sense, personality, or whatever else. The problem with those snap judgments is that they often come from our own restricted perception of that person.

In truth, we don’t know why that person is the way they are. If we are critical of them based on our limited or imagined perspective, we are causing problems for ourselves that need not exist.

For example, a person with depression may look at someone smiling and laughing and feel anger or resentment. What do they have to be so happy about? Don’t they know how hard life is? How bad things are for a lot of people? How bad are things for someone like me? The problem with that kind of criticism is that it assumes that the smiling person is happy, carefree, and without problems, which can be so very far from the truth.

Many people put on a smile and get on with their day because that’s just how they cope and survive. Maybe they’re coping with a severe loss that you don’t about. Maybe they feel they’re dying or dead inside from the trauma and pain that life has loaded onto their shoulders. Maybe they’re depressed and heartbroken too and perhaps put on a smile so that other people don’t ask too many questions.

Or perhaps a friend begins to show less commitment to a friendship and regularly fails to reply to messages promptly or says no to meeting up. It’s easy to think or say that this person is a bad friend or that they’re lazy and boring.

In fact, that friend might be going through something in their life that prevents them from giving as much of their free time and energy to the friendship, even one that is relatively close – family issues, poor health, or financial/work stresses can all take their toll. But if they don’t feel comfortable talking about these things, it’s easy for us to make up a narrative to explain things.

So, to stop being critical of others, let’s not assume we know what’s going on in the lives and minds of others – and let’s not make up narratives and stories about them.

3. Negative criticism is not helpful.

Many people who are too critical or judgmental don’t even realise that’s what they’re doing. They often feel like they are trying to be helpful and motivate others with their criticism.

The problem with this is that, generally, people really don’t want uninvited opinions and unsolicited advice. This type of advice is often either ignored or could be met with defensiveness. Why would they engage with us about it if we clearly don’t understand what the problem is?

For some people, being outspoken and speaking their mind is a valuable quality and often a quality that they would like others to have. However, this doesn’t work for everyone. Criticism does not get people motivated, it generally does the opposite. Let’s not make the mistake of confusing criticism with trying to help. Instead of being critical, try asking, “How can I help you?” That opens the door for the person to ask for advice or help if they need it or turn it down and work it out for themselves.

A general rule for life is not to give advice and opinions unless we’re asked for them. And even then, it may not be a good idea. Besides, our advice may not turn out as hoped which could mean we’ll be in the firing line to be blamed when it goes wrong.

4. Recognise our jealousies and insecurities

Sometimes we are critical of others because we are jealous of them and feel insecure about aspects of ourselves or our lives.

Maybe our life has been a bit tough lately and money’s been tight. So when a friend buys a new car, it can trigger a series of negative thoughts about them – that they are undeserving, showing off or squandering their money. This could very easily lead to spiteful, backhanded comments when our friend is just trying to enjoy their new car.

Or perhaps a co-worker gets a promotion over us and we respond by highlighting all of their flaws to demonstrate how our superiors made a mistake. Only, the decision has already been made and all our criticism serves to do is make our working relationship with that person awkward or hostile.

So, to be less critical of others, examine each criticism closely for signs of jealousy or insecurity. This way, we’ll know that our criticism is unfounded and may be best for us to hold back our comments.

5. Accept ourselves and our shortcomings.

Some negative criticism of others comes from unhappiness with ourselves. Defusing negativity and practicing compassion and acceptance towards ourselves is a reliable way to stop the negative narratives our minds create about other people.

By practicing kindness and understanding with ourselves and our shortcomings, we can more easily extend that same consideration to others. After all, no one is perfect. If we were to be critical of every little flaw a person has, it would destroy every relationship we have.

It can be helpful to remind ourselves that we are all flawed and we do things that, if they were done by another person, we would probably be critical of.

Remembering that we are ALL ‘Perfectly Imperfect’ can help with criticism and judgements of ourselves and others.

If we can accept that we do these things and that it’s not always easy to avoid doing them – either through habit or because we’re perfectly imperfect beings – we will have more patience with others and a greater tolerance of them, who they are, and what they do.

6. Assume that others are doing the best that they can.

There is a principle in mental health care called “Trauma Informed Care” where the assumption is that people generally aren’t working to fail or do bad things. Instead, they are doing what makes sense to them from the perspective of their life experiences, social experiences, mental health, and abilities.

It’s to look at what a person is doing and act from the perspective that even if they are doing the ‘wrong’ thing or making ‘bad’ decisions, they do not do it to be malicious. They’re doing it for reasons that may not be entirely clear or understandable.

And because of that, our actions toward these people need to come with compassion and sensitivity.

People generally don’t set out to fail. They generally don’t set out to not live up to their own expectations, mess up their lives, or do hurtful things.

For sure, there are malicious people in the world yet most people in the world aren’t malicious, even if they’re doing things that may harm us.

The word “trauma” carries with it a lot of stigma and negative perceptions. Some people think it only applies to horrific circumstances. The fact is that everyday experiences can leave a profound, lasting impact on people.

A bad breakup can be enough to keep someone from wanting to show vulnerability to a new partner. Losing a job brings the worry of paying bills, taking care of family, losing a home and affording food. Loss and death are always hard and are something we all face, sooner or later.

Trauma-informed care can teach us a lot about how to avoid judgment and stop being critical of others.

If we act with the assumption that other people are doing the best that they can with the hand they were dealt with, we won’t feel it necessary to pass judgment on their lives.

We make decisions and choices given the knowledge and experience we have at that time.

Remembering this helps us to be more forgiving towards others foibles and flaws and, of course, our own. Certainly, we can’t be a doormat to someone who is acting in an abusive or toxic way and just let them walk all over us – we can avoid letting that negativity fester and occupy our mind, eventually building into resentment.

All we can ever control are our own actions. Letting go of that judgment and criticism of others is a liberating feeling that can help us be warmer, more compassionate people for everyone – including ourselves.

The following is an essay written by Christopher John Lindsay

Three Traits of Judgemental People

Judgmental people have three common traits: They are overly critical, they show no respect for the person they are critical of, and they justify what they say because they believe it is true.